The Empty Cup
“I don’t know why they say you can’t pour from an empty cup because I feel like that’s exactly what I do everyday!” I winced at my wife through a steady stream of tears. I was laying on the bed, curled up in a ball, wishing that I could just fall asleep or disappear, anything to make the pain go away! The stress in my life had finally boiled over and the mental and emotional anguish was even becoming physical pain. I felt so sad and low and completely depressed that I wasn’t sure there was a way out of this darkness. It felt like the past few years I had been on a collision course in all aspects of my life towards this moment where physically, mentally, financially, romantically, occupationally I had hit a wall at full speed. These feelings and having a breakdown was compounded by the guilt and feeling that as a man, as a husband, as a father - I am the one who’s supposed to keep it all together. Am I even a real man if I completely fall apart?
I became a high school teacher for a few reasons. The first is to model for my son that you can make a living doing what you love and what makes you happy. The second was so that I could make a difference. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do, but not every day is a walk in the park. I try to remember that each day I have the opportunity to inspire, uplift, and help kids reach more of their potential which makes the workplace politics and challenging days bearable. Most people outside of teaching say that I must be crazy to want to be around those “bad teenagers” all the time, but I have always approached my job with the philosophy that there are no bad kids. They are all good kids with limitless potential. Even the ones who act naughty are just going through something and deserve to be loved and believed in.
Every day I pour into my kids and try to fill their cups, and you wouldn’t believe how the littlest things make the biggest difference. I have kids who come in broken and when I tell them they are smart, or charismatic, or point out a talent they have, it’s like the first time anyone has ever said that to them. I remember on one occasion sitting with a young man, tears rolling down his cheeks, he asked me, “Why do you care so much about me? Why do you even try?” I looked him in the eyes and said, “Because you’re worth it!” I told him, “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, the way I see you, and then you would understand!”
I’m not a perfect teacher, but I think that I’m a good teacher! I truly love and care about my students. I have spent countless hours after school supporting sports, drama productions, choir concerts, leadership and club activities, etc. I was constantly giving and giving and pouring more of myself to my students, but realized that it came at a very high cost. I neglected my own health and my family. Laying on the bed with my wife, I was the heaviest I had ever been. I had been spending hours away from my family when ironically one of the reasons I became a teacher was to be able to have more time with my family. When I would be home I would be exhausted and often mentally distant and emotionally unavailable. I would lose my patience with my wife and with my son. Every day I would pull into the school parking lot, put on my mask for my students and continue to pour into them every last drop from a cup that had hardly anything left in it to give.
Feeling completely empty, I said to my wife, “I think the reason I spend so much time at work is because being a teacher might be the ONLY thing I’m any good at!” I felt like a failure as a husband and father. I felt like a failure as a man. At that moment, my loving wife reminded me of the words I had once spoken to my student - “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes!”
Giving to others, pouring into them from our cups, is a vital and important part of the human experience, but I knew something had to change. Lots of things actually! I needed to find balance.
Heidi Godman, the executive editor of Harvard Health Letter says in her article, “Pouring from an empty cup? Three ways to refill emotionally” on the Harvard Health Blog:
It's hard to care about anything when you feel exhausted, burned out, or ragged around the edges. Your once-fiery enthusiasm may seem more like charred rubble due to overwhelming family responsibilities, a job that drains you, or financial struggles. Or maybe an illness, the uncertainty and disruptions of the age we live in, or a combination of factors has left you feeling as if you have precious little to give.
"What you're experiencing is burnout. It's real and it can lead to depression, anxiety, relationship damage, and an inability to function at home or at work," says Dr. Marni Chanoff, an integrative psychiatrist with Harvard-affiliated McLean Hospital.
The Harvard Health Blog gives three suggestions on how to emotionally refill your cup.
I needed to set some healthy limits at work. I still pour into kids every day and I do extra when I can, but I’ve been trying to be intentional and leave my work at work so that I’m more present at home. I’ve deleted my work email off my phone and I don’t take papers home to grade. With my wife going back to work, I have to leave most days right after school ends so that I can be home with our son, which has made me realize that it’s okay to say no sometimes when I’m asked to do extra tasks that don’t fit into my day.
I’ve made a conscious effort to go to the gym several times a week and change some of my eating habits. Small changes like standing more at work. Making sure to add healthy snacks and more protein. While I’m not at my goal weight I’m making progress and feeling the results. I know I have a long way to go, but it feels good to take an interest in my own body and health.
I’m working to incorporate comfort into my life in little ways, like taking the time to watch a movie with my wife, or going to a nice dinner together. Making time to write my book, develop my hobbies, and invest in myself. I wish that I could say that I’ve become perfect at these three things, but I’m still working on them and each day is different. Enjoying the journey is as important as getting to the destination.
The Full Cup
I walked into the gym late one night, because it had been an extremely long day! After running my son to karate and basketball and then doing homework and putting him to bed and waiting for my wife to get home from work and spending some time with her, there were a million reasons not to go. But in an effort to better my health, and stick to my goals, there I was walking in, well past bedtime.
I had my headphones in and I was on a mission to get in and get out as fast as possible. As I walked toward the counter to check in with my fingerprint, I made eye contact with a woman at the treadmills and I could tell that she clearly wanted to talk to me. I really didn’t want to talk to anyone, but she looked familiar even though I couldn’t quite place where I knew her from. Reluctantly, I pulled the headphones out of one ear. The woman said to me, “Do you teach history? I think you were my History teacher!”
As we talked, my memories of her became more clear. She told me, “I want you to know that I was going through a lot in high school. It was a really hard time for me, and your class was one of the only places where I could relax and not feel anxious. Of course I learned stuff, but you made it a comfortable space and I really needed that. You were one of my favorite teachers.”
She proceeded to go on and tell me about her life since high school. There were highs and lows, but I was really honored and surprised at the trust that she showed me in that moment. I was also really proud of her journey and the progress that she had made personally.
I’ve been told many times that as teachers we water the seeds of trees in which we will never be able to sit in their shade, but on this night, my former student was able to pour into my cup.
But what if I had been too busy and walked past her with my headphones in?
One of my favorite lines from the movie Avatar, states, “It’s hard to fill a cup that is already full.”
We tend to think of the full cup analogy as only applying to knowledge. It is true that when we are not open to learning, when we think we know better than everyone else, or when we think we have the answers, we miss out on opportunities to learn and better ourselves. However, I also think that having a full cup can happen when we become too busy or too afraid to let others pour into our cup or even when we become content with having “enough” in our cups. As human beings we are meant to continue to learn, grow, and evolve. I believe our potential and capacity for growth is infinite.
Last year I presented at a conference for educators and activities directors from across the State of California. After my presentations, I was in the exhibit hall talking with one of the main speakers - a woman who gets paid thousands of dollars to travel around the country and speak to students and educators alike. As we talked she casually said to me, “Next year I want to present with you!” In that moment, I thought she was just being polite and didn’t think much of it. Later that day, one of the organizers of the conference said to me that the speaker had told her that the speaker wanted to present with me at next year’s conference.
Over the year, we had a few brief interactions over social media. When the time came to apply to present at this year's conference I reached out and asked her if she still wanted to do a presentation together. She said she did and so I arranged a conference call with her to go over our presentation ideas. As I talked to her I mentioned how humbled and honored I was that she would want me to present with her. After all, I was just a high school teacher. She responded to me, “You are not JUST a high school teacher! You have so much potential and you are the one on the ground doing the work!”
She taught me that I was limiting myself. I thought my cup was full, that I had reached my limit, and it made it harder for others to pour into me. This year, as we presented together at the conference, a whole world of possibilities and opportunities was opened to me. She introduced me to other speakers and authors who have been amazing and inspiring and have poured knowledge and love into my cup. Each one has told me I have a story that’s important to tell.
As these amazing influencers continue to fill my cup it has allowed me to take the steps to write my story, develop my business, and work on becoming my best self. This will allow me to continue to pour into others!
Balancing Our Cups
All of us have heard the saying that we can see our world as a cup that is half full or half empty. It depends on our outlook and attitude. Are we an optimistic or pessimistic person? But I don’t think it’s that simple.
We need to take the time to let others pour into our cup, find ways to fill or refill our own cups, and pour into others’ cups at the same time. I think it’s about finding ways to have balance in our lives.
Here are three important guides to remember as you approach each day.
1. Fill your own cup by practicing self-care.
This can be as simple as reciting daily affirmations in the mirror, or taking the time to go to the gym. It can be organizing the space around you or taking the time to read a book or write in a journal. I’m not the most consistent person in the world and for me this can look different day to day. Do something each day that is specifically for yourself!
2. Fill someone else’s cup by pouring into someone in need.
Everyone is in need of kindness and love. I try to keep my eyes open for opportunities to serve others. Some days it’s as simple as being patient with a student or offering them grace when I feel like they are struggling. Other days, it’s a grand gesture like planning a birthday party for a friend. Sometimes it’s a random act of kindness to a stranger initiated by a prompting from within. Do something each day to show love and kindness to others!
3. Let others fill your cup by accepting help.
Sometimes this one can be the hardest. Often we like to do everything ourselves and be in complete control of our own lives. Allowing others to give service to us fills our cups and lets us give back. This could be learning something new from someone each day. Sometimes this means reaching out and asking for help. Other times this is as simple as receiving kindness and internalizing the love from those around us - trying to see ourselves the way they see us. Let someone help you or teach you each day!
Some days you’ll nail this! Some days your cup will feel empty and other days too full to receive. Have patience and give yourself grace. Water that just sits, becomes stagnant and stale. It fills with bacteria and becomes unsafe and unable to nourish us. Water is meant to keep moving and flowing. Accepting and allowing my cup to be ebbing and flowing, rising and falling, in constant flux between half empty and half full, helps me to maintain the perspective that I want to be living water. No matter where you land at the end of each day, tomorrow is a new day to try again and another opportunity to get our water moving and balance our cups!
“I don’t know why they say you can’t pour from an empty cup because I feel like that’s exactly what I do everyday!” I winced at my wife through a steady stream of tears. I was laying on the bed, curled up in a ball, wishing that I could just fall asleep or disappear, anything to make the pain go away! The stress in my life had finally boiled over and the mental and emotional anguish was even becoming physical pain. I felt so sad and low and completely depressed that I wasn’t sure there was a way out of this darkness. It felt like the past few years I had been on a collision course in all aspects of my life towards this moment where physically, mentally, financially, romantically, occupationally I had hit a wall at full speed. These feelings and having a breakdown was compounded by the guilt and feeling that as a man, as a husband, as a father - I am the one who’s supposed to keep it all together. Am I even a real man if I completely fall apart?
I became a high school teacher for a few reasons. The first is to model for my son that you can make a living doing what you love and what makes you happy. The second was so that I could make a difference. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do, but not every day is a walk in the park. I try to remember that each day I have the opportunity to inspire, uplift, and help kids reach more of their potential which makes the workplace politics and challenging days bearable. Most people outside of teaching say that I must be crazy to want to be around those “bad teenagers” all the time, but I have always approached my job with the philosophy that there are no bad kids. They are all good kids with limitless potential. Even the ones who act naughty are just going through something and deserve to be loved and believed in.
Every day I pour into my kids and try to fill their cups, and you wouldn’t believe how the littlest things make the biggest difference. I have kids who come in broken and when I tell them they are smart, or charismatic, or point out a talent they have, it’s like the first time anyone has ever said that to them. I remember on one occasion sitting with a young man, tears rolling down his cheeks, he asked me, “Why do you care so much about me? Why do you even try?” I looked him in the eyes and said, “Because you’re worth it!” I told him, “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, the way I see you, and then you would understand!”
I’m not a perfect teacher, but I think that I’m a good teacher! I truly love and care about my students. I have spent countless hours after school supporting sports, drama productions, choir concerts, leadership and club activities, etc. I was constantly giving and giving and pouring more of myself to my students, but realized that it came at a very high cost. I neglected my own health and my family. Laying on the bed with my wife, I was the heaviest I had ever been. I had been spending hours away from my family when ironically one of the reasons I became a teacher was to be able to have more time with my family. When I would be home I would be exhausted and often mentally distant and emotionally unavailable. I would lose my patience with my wife and with my son. Every day I would pull into the school parking lot, put on my mask for my students and continue to pour into them every last drop from a cup that had hardly anything left in it to give.
Feeling completely empty, I said to my wife, “I think the reason I spend so much time at work is because being a teacher might be the ONLY thing I’m any good at!” I felt like a failure as a husband and father. I felt like a failure as a man. At that moment, my loving wife reminded me of the words I had once spoken to my student - “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes!”
Giving to others, pouring into them from our cups, is a vital and important part of the human experience, but I knew something had to change. Lots of things actually! I needed to find balance.
Heidi Godman, the executive editor of Harvard Health Letter says in her article, “Pouring from an empty cup? Three ways to refill emotionally” on the Harvard Health Blog:
It's hard to care about anything when you feel exhausted, burned out, or ragged around the edges. Your once-fiery enthusiasm may seem more like charred rubble due to overwhelming family responsibilities, a job that drains you, or financial struggles. Or maybe an illness, the uncertainty and disruptions of the age we live in, or a combination of factors has left you feeling as if you have precious little to give.
"What you're experiencing is burnout. It's real and it can lead to depression, anxiety, relationship damage, and an inability to function at home or at work," says Dr. Marni Chanoff, an integrative psychiatrist with Harvard-affiliated McLean Hospital.
The Harvard Health Blog gives three suggestions on how to emotionally refill your cup.
- Carve out time for yourself.
- Commit to better health.
- Surround yourself with comfort.
I needed to set some healthy limits at work. I still pour into kids every day and I do extra when I can, but I’ve been trying to be intentional and leave my work at work so that I’m more present at home. I’ve deleted my work email off my phone and I don’t take papers home to grade. With my wife going back to work, I have to leave most days right after school ends so that I can be home with our son, which has made me realize that it’s okay to say no sometimes when I’m asked to do extra tasks that don’t fit into my day.
I’ve made a conscious effort to go to the gym several times a week and change some of my eating habits. Small changes like standing more at work. Making sure to add healthy snacks and more protein. While I’m not at my goal weight I’m making progress and feeling the results. I know I have a long way to go, but it feels good to take an interest in my own body and health.
I’m working to incorporate comfort into my life in little ways, like taking the time to watch a movie with my wife, or going to a nice dinner together. Making time to write my book, develop my hobbies, and invest in myself. I wish that I could say that I’ve become perfect at these three things, but I’m still working on them and each day is different. Enjoying the journey is as important as getting to the destination.
The Full Cup
I walked into the gym late one night, because it had been an extremely long day! After running my son to karate and basketball and then doing homework and putting him to bed and waiting for my wife to get home from work and spending some time with her, there were a million reasons not to go. But in an effort to better my health, and stick to my goals, there I was walking in, well past bedtime.
I had my headphones in and I was on a mission to get in and get out as fast as possible. As I walked toward the counter to check in with my fingerprint, I made eye contact with a woman at the treadmills and I could tell that she clearly wanted to talk to me. I really didn’t want to talk to anyone, but she looked familiar even though I couldn’t quite place where I knew her from. Reluctantly, I pulled the headphones out of one ear. The woman said to me, “Do you teach history? I think you were my History teacher!”
As we talked, my memories of her became more clear. She told me, “I want you to know that I was going through a lot in high school. It was a really hard time for me, and your class was one of the only places where I could relax and not feel anxious. Of course I learned stuff, but you made it a comfortable space and I really needed that. You were one of my favorite teachers.”
She proceeded to go on and tell me about her life since high school. There were highs and lows, but I was really honored and surprised at the trust that she showed me in that moment. I was also really proud of her journey and the progress that she had made personally.
I’ve been told many times that as teachers we water the seeds of trees in which we will never be able to sit in their shade, but on this night, my former student was able to pour into my cup.
But what if I had been too busy and walked past her with my headphones in?
One of my favorite lines from the movie Avatar, states, “It’s hard to fill a cup that is already full.”
We tend to think of the full cup analogy as only applying to knowledge. It is true that when we are not open to learning, when we think we know better than everyone else, or when we think we have the answers, we miss out on opportunities to learn and better ourselves. However, I also think that having a full cup can happen when we become too busy or too afraid to let others pour into our cup or even when we become content with having “enough” in our cups. As human beings we are meant to continue to learn, grow, and evolve. I believe our potential and capacity for growth is infinite.
Last year I presented at a conference for educators and activities directors from across the State of California. After my presentations, I was in the exhibit hall talking with one of the main speakers - a woman who gets paid thousands of dollars to travel around the country and speak to students and educators alike. As we talked she casually said to me, “Next year I want to present with you!” In that moment, I thought she was just being polite and didn’t think much of it. Later that day, one of the organizers of the conference said to me that the speaker had told her that the speaker wanted to present with me at next year’s conference.
Over the year, we had a few brief interactions over social media. When the time came to apply to present at this year's conference I reached out and asked her if she still wanted to do a presentation together. She said she did and so I arranged a conference call with her to go over our presentation ideas. As I talked to her I mentioned how humbled and honored I was that she would want me to present with her. After all, I was just a high school teacher. She responded to me, “You are not JUST a high school teacher! You have so much potential and you are the one on the ground doing the work!”
She taught me that I was limiting myself. I thought my cup was full, that I had reached my limit, and it made it harder for others to pour into me. This year, as we presented together at the conference, a whole world of possibilities and opportunities was opened to me. She introduced me to other speakers and authors who have been amazing and inspiring and have poured knowledge and love into my cup. Each one has told me I have a story that’s important to tell.
As these amazing influencers continue to fill my cup it has allowed me to take the steps to write my story, develop my business, and work on becoming my best self. This will allow me to continue to pour into others!
Balancing Our Cups
All of us have heard the saying that we can see our world as a cup that is half full or half empty. It depends on our outlook and attitude. Are we an optimistic or pessimistic person? But I don’t think it’s that simple.
We need to take the time to let others pour into our cup, find ways to fill or refill our own cups, and pour into others’ cups at the same time. I think it’s about finding ways to have balance in our lives.
Here are three important guides to remember as you approach each day.
1. Fill your own cup by practicing self-care.
This can be as simple as reciting daily affirmations in the mirror, or taking the time to go to the gym. It can be organizing the space around you or taking the time to read a book or write in a journal. I’m not the most consistent person in the world and for me this can look different day to day. Do something each day that is specifically for yourself!
2. Fill someone else’s cup by pouring into someone in need.
Everyone is in need of kindness and love. I try to keep my eyes open for opportunities to serve others. Some days it’s as simple as being patient with a student or offering them grace when I feel like they are struggling. Other days, it’s a grand gesture like planning a birthday party for a friend. Sometimes it’s a random act of kindness to a stranger initiated by a prompting from within. Do something each day to show love and kindness to others!
3. Let others fill your cup by accepting help.
Sometimes this one can be the hardest. Often we like to do everything ourselves and be in complete control of our own lives. Allowing others to give service to us fills our cups and lets us give back. This could be learning something new from someone each day. Sometimes this means reaching out and asking for help. Other times this is as simple as receiving kindness and internalizing the love from those around us - trying to see ourselves the way they see us. Let someone help you or teach you each day!
Some days you’ll nail this! Some days your cup will feel empty and other days too full to receive. Have patience and give yourself grace. Water that just sits, becomes stagnant and stale. It fills with bacteria and becomes unsafe and unable to nourish us. Water is meant to keep moving and flowing. Accepting and allowing my cup to be ebbing and flowing, rising and falling, in constant flux between half empty and half full, helps me to maintain the perspective that I want to be living water. No matter where you land at the end of each day, tomorrow is a new day to try again and another opportunity to get our water moving and balance our cups!
