Dear Reader.
Are you ready for this?
To have some fun and chat about dating?!
Let’s get the good stuff out of the way first…
Am I single? Yes.
Am I actively dating? Maybe ;).
I used to think dating was hard and not fun. Until dating became hard and not fun. I watched a Steve Harvey clip on this very thing. He made note that if you walk around saying that “dating is hard and not fun”, guess what? Dating is going to be hard and not fun. But if you change your narrative and started saying “dating is fun and I get to meet and connect with great people”, guess what? Dating is going to be fun and you will get to meet and connect with great people.
What an obvious outcome.
Which leads to me to write about allllll the fun about dating and alllll the awesome men I have met.
First, let me introduce you to me. I am single, fierce, independent and happy. Also, intentionally disruptive, ask too many questions, talks too much, too positive, loves big earrings, and fun hair. All the too’s! I am not the best listener, the worst at texting back, always in business mode.
I have three beautiful and brilliant kids. They DON’T color inside the lines, they DO push boundaries, love tattoos and piercings. But they have flare, character, big smiles and even bigger hearts. They are a total vibe!
I also love, love. I want to get married. Again. I want to partner and build a beautiful, kind, fun and happy life with someone. I want to meet a beautiful and kind man. I want to fall in love. Someone with values, vision and a lifestyle that aligns with mine. Someone who wants to love. How do I get there?
Let’s start with the beginning.
After breast cancer and my divorce, I made the conscious choice to take that following twelve months to heal and not date or meet anyone that could be potential. I ended up taking eighteen months. I needed the time and the space to heal, to grow, to love and to be by myself.
I think it’s important here to make note, that you must heal. If you are hurt, or hurting, you must heal. Hurt people, hurt people.
You cannot proceed to roll yourself into another intimate relationship if you are hurting. It is not fair to you and or to the other person.
I do, also, believe that it’s part of the healing process to learn, grow and navigate your healing in an intimate relationship. You have to find balance.
I was also scared. The thought of connecting with another man that was not my ex-husband, terrified me. I had no idea where to start, where to go to meet a man, how to talk to a man, how to flirt, smile, etc. Being with one person for twenty years, my fear was valid.
My healing consisted of hurting, on my knees crying, meditation & yoga, journaling, selling our house, living with my dad for six months, buying a new house, movement, self love, praying the rosary, and a lot of gratitude work. Here I would learn how big gratitude work would move me out of a very sad and lonely space to a somewhat working space and then eventually to a very happy, healthy and positive space.
You have to get ugly, get dirty before you can start to do the real work and get healthy, and happy.
Make note of that!
And this work took me eighteen months. The last time I dated, I was as nineteen years old. Forty years old and dating looks very different than nineteen years old and dating. I was twenty years out of the scene; awkward, new, nervous and intimidated. If you thought dating at nineteen years old was awesome, try dating in your forties.
My first attempt at dating, was a referral from a friend that I had met a few months prior. Said friend was cool, fun and our boys played football together, so I trusted his connection. We’ll call this referral Bob. I had two dates with Bob. Bob is a fire captain (hot!), and Bob needed to have two to three women in his pipeline at all times (not hot!). That was a hard no for me. Peace out. Thank you, next.
Within a month, I was online! I was a busy mom, new to dating and leading a busy life. And it was COVID. All of which prompted me to navigate the fun of online dating. I had never explored this space. It was new, overwhelming, and not easy to navigate. Not only was I now forty years old and new to dating, but it was COVID. I could have easily pushed dating to the sidelines, considering the elements of COVID
dating and the already struggle of connecting, but I didn’t. I wanted to commit to the work and show up for it. So, I put on my mask and lead the online fun with a full heart.
Do you know how many online dating sites there are? A million. Too many. I gave myself three months. I did it. I’ve done it. It’s not fun. It’s fun.
There were a series of “thank you for our time together, but I am not interested” to the shitty texting conversations, the ghosting, the weeks of chatting and build up that leads to nothing. And my favorite, the guy who showed up to our first date in cargo shorts and flip flops. It’s exhausting and it takes work.
NOTE TO ALL MY READERS: I do not ghost. I will always communicate complete and authentic when I am no longer interested. Ghosting is weak and shitty. Do not do it.
Here’s the thing about online dating…you must do the work. You must be intentional. You need to communicate fully. You have to weed out the no’s and put in energy and efforts to the maybes and the yes’s. You have to be vulnerable and honest. You have to lead and not lead.
After three months of online dating, mask wearing dates and no positive results, I was out. I tabled the work of online dating and went back to focusing and realigning that energy and efforts to other positive spaces in my life.
Like all things in life, it takes work. Dating takes work.
It would be a whole year before I went on another date. Which would be a guy from high school, and for years he had slide into my DM’s. We had fun and I was able to tap into “feeling” something again. Spend time with another man again. Be intimate with another man. And up until him, I had not been sexually intimate since my ex-husband. And that alone, felt good.
We will tap into all things sex and dating in Part 2. You’ll have to come back for more!
But said high school fun didn’t last long. I would learn that some men (and women) are a fraud. They hide behind a false identity that eventually I would connect with because of my healing. Because I was healthy enough, healed enough to value who I was, I was able to sense his false identify and walk away.
He couldn’t keep up with me, he wasn’t going where I was going.
I was ready enough that I went on a date a month later. With a great guy. Handsome and so much love to give. Unfortunately, he was not in a place to make himself available to me and I would end up being okay with that. I still think of him, see his posts and the fun “what if” runs through me. But he needs space to heal and to grow and to show up for him, and because of that I won’t reach out. I would then find myself on a Saturday, a month later, busting back into the fun of online dating. And within a day, boom, I connected with someone. He was easy to connect with. The texting, the chatting, the connection, it was all too easy, and it was fun. All this led to phone calls, dates, and more dates and before you know it, were boyfriend and girlfriend and saying “I love you”.
Red flags are not fun. They hang out on the sidelines. Ride along as your back seat driver. But they are there for a reason. Our intuition is alive and well and we must do a better job of listening, connecting to it. I didn’t or I choose to ignore them, and I would spend the next ten months fighting red flags, funky intuition, abandoning myself to love him. Or sometimes we don’t recognize when the other person is too injured. Too hurt. As healed as I thought I was, he was a fun reminder that growth and healing is everyday work.
I also felt too committed, making lifelong plans, opening up accounts, blending kids, families. Talking marriage.
It wasn’t until I started feeling “am I going to wait until I get sick again to walk away”? Is this it? The love I wanted to feel. Alllll this work I’ve done, for what? Another man that doesn’t see me. Value me. Love me. Feel me.
We fought, once, about how too positive I was. And I should have walked away then. That is who I am. That is who I want to be. Too positive. Remember all the too’s?!
I have beautiful and brilliant mentors in my life. I choose to surround myself with amazing communities of people. Because of the environments, the communities, the people, I was able to have the power to advocate for me and walk away. I was able to get in front of him and tell him no and walk away.
Here I am, five months later, single. And I am happy. I am alive and thriving. Healthy and living in abundance. More now, than ever.
It’s when one door closes, before another door opens, where the magic happens. The magic of learning, growing, expanding. Elevating self, opportunities and being okay being along. It’s okay to be alone.
I am building, growing and learning every single day. I work hard and work hard some more. I am not afraid of the work, not afraid of life, because I’m doing it. I love God and I am learning every day to trust His love for me and leaning into it. My spiritual abundance.
I struggle with the feelings of not being good enough. Will I ever be loved again? It’s a real struggle. I am human. It hurts.
I have work and growth to do. To be a better listener. Be more mindful to text back – communicate complete and authentic. Not always be in business mode. And more.
I know my worth and what I bring to the table. I am a game changer. There are not many women out there that can show up like I do, and I own the shit out of that. I like my toilet paper rolls, to roll under not over. I ask too many questions during a movie. I am too positive. Happy is my superpower. I write fun notes allll over the place. I love words like “make good choices” and “be a leader, not a follower”.
#heidithings
I love kisses, and small touches. I love “I love you” and “I’m thinking of you” texts messages even when I’m too busy to give them. I love sunflowers. And surprise visits because he needed to see me.
I know all of that is coming.
But for now, I’ll leave you with this - If you are any age and dating, be all in. Be intentional. Learn something. Don’t abandon who you are to love someone. Don’t settle. Have the power to walk away. And sometimes, have the power to stay.
Bring value to each other, not take away from each other. Add to life. Broken versus healthy. It’s a choice. You choose.
If you are single, fuel your heart and your life with love, happy, gratitude and work. Show up. Be okay being alone. Learn you. Go buy that e-bike and ride along the coasts of California. Take a 10-day solo trip somewhere new and challenge yourself to meet someone everywhere you go. Get your ass up and complete 75 hard. Read. Hike solo. Life doesn’t stop just because your single. Life is happening all around us, don’t miss it. Go get it!
Dating is fun!
To be continued.
Xo - H
Are you ready for this?
To have some fun and chat about dating?!
Let’s get the good stuff out of the way first…
Am I single? Yes.
Am I actively dating? Maybe ;).
I used to think dating was hard and not fun. Until dating became hard and not fun. I watched a Steve Harvey clip on this very thing. He made note that if you walk around saying that “dating is hard and not fun”, guess what? Dating is going to be hard and not fun. But if you change your narrative and started saying “dating is fun and I get to meet and connect with great people”, guess what? Dating is going to be fun and you will get to meet and connect with great people.
What an obvious outcome.
Which leads to me to write about allllll the fun about dating and alllll the awesome men I have met.
First, let me introduce you to me. I am single, fierce, independent and happy. Also, intentionally disruptive, ask too many questions, talks too much, too positive, loves big earrings, and fun hair. All the too’s! I am not the best listener, the worst at texting back, always in business mode.
I have three beautiful and brilliant kids. They DON’T color inside the lines, they DO push boundaries, love tattoos and piercings. But they have flare, character, big smiles and even bigger hearts. They are a total vibe!
I also love, love. I want to get married. Again. I want to partner and build a beautiful, kind, fun and happy life with someone. I want to meet a beautiful and kind man. I want to fall in love. Someone with values, vision and a lifestyle that aligns with mine. Someone who wants to love. How do I get there?
Let’s start with the beginning.
After breast cancer and my divorce, I made the conscious choice to take that following twelve months to heal and not date or meet anyone that could be potential. I ended up taking eighteen months. I needed the time and the space to heal, to grow, to love and to be by myself.
I think it’s important here to make note, that you must heal. If you are hurt, or hurting, you must heal. Hurt people, hurt people.
You cannot proceed to roll yourself into another intimate relationship if you are hurting. It is not fair to you and or to the other person.
I do, also, believe that it’s part of the healing process to learn, grow and navigate your healing in an intimate relationship. You have to find balance.
I was also scared. The thought of connecting with another man that was not my ex-husband, terrified me. I had no idea where to start, where to go to meet a man, how to talk to a man, how to flirt, smile, etc. Being with one person for twenty years, my fear was valid.
My healing consisted of hurting, on my knees crying, meditation & yoga, journaling, selling our house, living with my dad for six months, buying a new house, movement, self love, praying the rosary, and a lot of gratitude work. Here I would learn how big gratitude work would move me out of a very sad and lonely space to a somewhat working space and then eventually to a very happy, healthy and positive space.
You have to get ugly, get dirty before you can start to do the real work and get healthy, and happy.
Make note of that!
And this work took me eighteen months. The last time I dated, I was as nineteen years old. Forty years old and dating looks very different than nineteen years old and dating. I was twenty years out of the scene; awkward, new, nervous and intimidated. If you thought dating at nineteen years old was awesome, try dating in your forties.
My first attempt at dating, was a referral from a friend that I had met a few months prior. Said friend was cool, fun and our boys played football together, so I trusted his connection. We’ll call this referral Bob. I had two dates with Bob. Bob is a fire captain (hot!), and Bob needed to have two to three women in his pipeline at all times (not hot!). That was a hard no for me. Peace out. Thank you, next.
Within a month, I was online! I was a busy mom, new to dating and leading a busy life. And it was COVID. All of which prompted me to navigate the fun of online dating. I had never explored this space. It was new, overwhelming, and not easy to navigate. Not only was I now forty years old and new to dating, but it was COVID. I could have easily pushed dating to the sidelines, considering the elements of COVID
dating and the already struggle of connecting, but I didn’t. I wanted to commit to the work and show up for it. So, I put on my mask and lead the online fun with a full heart.
Do you know how many online dating sites there are? A million. Too many. I gave myself three months. I did it. I’ve done it. It’s not fun. It’s fun.
There were a series of “thank you for our time together, but I am not interested” to the shitty texting conversations, the ghosting, the weeks of chatting and build up that leads to nothing. And my favorite, the guy who showed up to our first date in cargo shorts and flip flops. It’s exhausting and it takes work.
NOTE TO ALL MY READERS: I do not ghost. I will always communicate complete and authentic when I am no longer interested. Ghosting is weak and shitty. Do not do it.
Here’s the thing about online dating…you must do the work. You must be intentional. You need to communicate fully. You have to weed out the no’s and put in energy and efforts to the maybes and the yes’s. You have to be vulnerable and honest. You have to lead and not lead.
After three months of online dating, mask wearing dates and no positive results, I was out. I tabled the work of online dating and went back to focusing and realigning that energy and efforts to other positive spaces in my life.
Like all things in life, it takes work. Dating takes work.
It would be a whole year before I went on another date. Which would be a guy from high school, and for years he had slide into my DM’s. We had fun and I was able to tap into “feeling” something again. Spend time with another man again. Be intimate with another man. And up until him, I had not been sexually intimate since my ex-husband. And that alone, felt good.
We will tap into all things sex and dating in Part 2. You’ll have to come back for more!
But said high school fun didn’t last long. I would learn that some men (and women) are a fraud. They hide behind a false identity that eventually I would connect with because of my healing. Because I was healthy enough, healed enough to value who I was, I was able to sense his false identify and walk away.
He couldn’t keep up with me, he wasn’t going where I was going.
I was ready enough that I went on a date a month later. With a great guy. Handsome and so much love to give. Unfortunately, he was not in a place to make himself available to me and I would end up being okay with that. I still think of him, see his posts and the fun “what if” runs through me. But he needs space to heal and to grow and to show up for him, and because of that I won’t reach out. I would then find myself on a Saturday, a month later, busting back into the fun of online dating. And within a day, boom, I connected with someone. He was easy to connect with. The texting, the chatting, the connection, it was all too easy, and it was fun. All this led to phone calls, dates, and more dates and before you know it, were boyfriend and girlfriend and saying “I love you”.
Red flags are not fun. They hang out on the sidelines. Ride along as your back seat driver. But they are there for a reason. Our intuition is alive and well and we must do a better job of listening, connecting to it. I didn’t or I choose to ignore them, and I would spend the next ten months fighting red flags, funky intuition, abandoning myself to love him. Or sometimes we don’t recognize when the other person is too injured. Too hurt. As healed as I thought I was, he was a fun reminder that growth and healing is everyday work.
I also felt too committed, making lifelong plans, opening up accounts, blending kids, families. Talking marriage.
It wasn’t until I started feeling “am I going to wait until I get sick again to walk away”? Is this it? The love I wanted to feel. Alllll this work I’ve done, for what? Another man that doesn’t see me. Value me. Love me. Feel me.
We fought, once, about how too positive I was. And I should have walked away then. That is who I am. That is who I want to be. Too positive. Remember all the too’s?!
I have beautiful and brilliant mentors in my life. I choose to surround myself with amazing communities of people. Because of the environments, the communities, the people, I was able to have the power to advocate for me and walk away. I was able to get in front of him and tell him no and walk away.
Here I am, five months later, single. And I am happy. I am alive and thriving. Healthy and living in abundance. More now, than ever.
It’s when one door closes, before another door opens, where the magic happens. The magic of learning, growing, expanding. Elevating self, opportunities and being okay being along. It’s okay to be alone.
I am building, growing and learning every single day. I work hard and work hard some more. I am not afraid of the work, not afraid of life, because I’m doing it. I love God and I am learning every day to trust His love for me and leaning into it. My spiritual abundance.
I struggle with the feelings of not being good enough. Will I ever be loved again? It’s a real struggle. I am human. It hurts.
I have work and growth to do. To be a better listener. Be more mindful to text back – communicate complete and authentic. Not always be in business mode. And more.
I know my worth and what I bring to the table. I am a game changer. There are not many women out there that can show up like I do, and I own the shit out of that. I like my toilet paper rolls, to roll under not over. I ask too many questions during a movie. I am too positive. Happy is my superpower. I write fun notes allll over the place. I love words like “make good choices” and “be a leader, not a follower”.
#heidithings
I love kisses, and small touches. I love “I love you” and “I’m thinking of you” texts messages even when I’m too busy to give them. I love sunflowers. And surprise visits because he needed to see me.
I know all of that is coming.
But for now, I’ll leave you with this - If you are any age and dating, be all in. Be intentional. Learn something. Don’t abandon who you are to love someone. Don’t settle. Have the power to walk away. And sometimes, have the power to stay.
Bring value to each other, not take away from each other. Add to life. Broken versus healthy. It’s a choice. You choose.
If you are single, fuel your heart and your life with love, happy, gratitude and work. Show up. Be okay being alone. Learn you. Go buy that e-bike and ride along the coasts of California. Take a 10-day solo trip somewhere new and challenge yourself to meet someone everywhere you go. Get your ass up and complete 75 hard. Read. Hike solo. Life doesn’t stop just because your single. Life is happening all around us, don’t miss it. Go get it!
Dating is fun!
To be continued.
Xo - H
