I divide my life in two. Before and after my first depressive episode. Why? Because they are two completely different versions of myself.
In my first entry I talk of anxiety, what mine looked like specifically for me. Now it's only right if i do depression. I combine depression and anxiety in the title of this series but they are two vast subjects that must have their own articles.
Depression looks so different for everyone. This is because we all lead different lives, but just because it looks different for everyone the feelings that come with it can be universal. I personally find comfort in that.
As I said in my previous article I've been tormented with anxiety my entire life so I was in no way unfamiliar with mental illnesses. When I got to high school I was a part of this group and in this group we shared a lot of our own personal battles and struggles. I heard stories of people who had depression and it all sounded horrific, but you never really know and truly understand what depression is until you experience it in your own way. So if you're reading this, I want to be clear that this is only my story and yours can look completely different. Judgment has no place in the world of mental illness.
My Depression started when I was a freshman in college. I was attending California State University, Fullerton. I chose this school because it was free for me. I got good grades in high school all so I didn't have to pay for college, and I succeeded in that. I was always good at school, certain subjects came very easily to me. Even if I missed a week of school I wouldn't fall behind. But that was not the case for college. I didn't know it at the time but when I stopped going to classes and showing interest in school, when I stopped wanting to go to my internship or go into work, that was my first sign.
It kind of hits you like a truck. You don't notice the signs at first but then one day, if you're like me, you are on the way to your hair appointment and you feel this feeling, I still can't describe it. But, from that November day it never went away. It's all very paralyzing. I couldn't even brush my teeth being consumed with dreadful thoughts. All I could think about was death, how it's inevitable and unknown, how it can come at any moment, how it can take away the people I love and the life I love. Suddenly life started to feel pointless, like it was all for nothing. Then I started to tell myself that if I was going to die one day then why not just get it over with. It ricocheted into thoughts that were too big. why are we all here? what is all this for? what is our purpose? what is my purpose? why is this all created?
I was living mainly with my mom, I didn't want to go back to my apartment. I think I started to scare her. I kept telling her my thoughts because they needed to escape my mind. She wanted to help me but she didn't know how. So she called my aunt. She knew my aunt would understand what I was feeling because she had her own experiences with depression. My aunt told my mom that if I had another panic attack and another depressive bout then to take me to the hospital. During this time I was having about five panic attacks a day, so I knew it was only a matter of time before that hospital trip came. And I was right. My mom took me to the hospital
that night after dinner. I didn't eat it of course because I wasn't eating anything, my stomach was in too many knots to keep anything down.
When you walk into a hospital and say you have Suicidal Thoughts and you feel like you're going to die they take you back right away. I remember this night so clearly. I remember my nurse's face, my mom's face, the room I was in, the colors of the wall. Everyone was so nice to me. The nurse asked me a list of questions that felt like a mile long and I just kept crying. I hadn't slept in 4 days, I hadn't eaten anything, I hadn't felt any relief at all. It was like I was holding my breath that entire time. After all the questions were over they prescribed me a little something called Ativan. Because I was in the state that I was in, they didn't give it to me in pill form, it would have taken too long to kick in, instead they gave it to me through an IV, which takes up to 15 seconds to get into your system. For me the doctor hadn't even pulled the needle out and I instantly felt relief. I can't even describe the breath I took after that, my body and mind were so relaxed it literally felt like a dream. That night I got a full night's rest and my mom had finally watched me smile in what seemed like a lifetime.
Immediately after that I got assigned a psychiatrist and a therapist. My psychiatrist set me up on a general antidepressant, anti-anxiety, and OCD medication called Lexapro. (I'll get into my medication journey in another entry). My therapist was amazing, like all people, when I began I completely doubted his abilities. I felt like I could never get better. But I'm happy to say that I was wrong. I learned many things, not just from my therapist and my psychiatrist but I learned a lot on my own. That's the thing about any Mental Health journey, nobody can do it for you. You are alone during your journey but that doesn't mean you have to be lonely.
When I was in my depressive state I couldn't comprehend how anyone else could feel as bad as I was. But after I talked to my therapist and I started reaching out on my social media I realized that so many people share so many of the same feelings. Again, everyone's Journey and depression is different but feelings are all the same. For me what helped a lot was knowing that I had a whole Community out there.
I'm going to be honest, I cried a couple of times writing this. Reliving how a journey started is never easy. But as I'm coming to the end all I feel is proud. I'm proud of myself and I'm proud of my journey. I honestly can't see any other version of myself than this one. The version of Kennedy who is surviving depression, the version that accepts my depression for what it is but doesn’t let control my life anymore, and the version who knows that this journey is going to last a lifetime.
Maintaining a good mental is like a pie, if you split the pie into multiple pieces. Medication is one piece, therapy is one piece, working out is one piece, journaling is one piece, painting is one piece. But, without all the pieces the pie isn't whole. That's the same for maintaining a positive mind and a positive environment. Without nurturing each piece of the pie and actively working you're not going to move in the right direction. Now I want to be clear that everyone's pieces look different, this is just specific to me and what makes me happy. I tried many remedies and activities and I know the ones that make my pie. You have to do the same. Experiment with different things and see which ones stick.
I still haven't found the answers to why we're all here. what's all this for and why we go through all the things we go through. But I think it's because that's just what's meant to be. Not everything can have an exact answer and that in and of itself is the answer. My purpose right now is to live and to do things that make me happy, to love the people who love me, and to take care of myself and those around me. And I hope you do the same.
Xoxo,
Kennedy.
In my first entry I talk of anxiety, what mine looked like specifically for me. Now it's only right if i do depression. I combine depression and anxiety in the title of this series but they are two vast subjects that must have their own articles.
Depression looks so different for everyone. This is because we all lead different lives, but just because it looks different for everyone the feelings that come with it can be universal. I personally find comfort in that.
As I said in my previous article I've been tormented with anxiety my entire life so I was in no way unfamiliar with mental illnesses. When I got to high school I was a part of this group and in this group we shared a lot of our own personal battles and struggles. I heard stories of people who had depression and it all sounded horrific, but you never really know and truly understand what depression is until you experience it in your own way. So if you're reading this, I want to be clear that this is only my story and yours can look completely different. Judgment has no place in the world of mental illness.
My Depression started when I was a freshman in college. I was attending California State University, Fullerton. I chose this school because it was free for me. I got good grades in high school all so I didn't have to pay for college, and I succeeded in that. I was always good at school, certain subjects came very easily to me. Even if I missed a week of school I wouldn't fall behind. But that was not the case for college. I didn't know it at the time but when I stopped going to classes and showing interest in school, when I stopped wanting to go to my internship or go into work, that was my first sign.
It kind of hits you like a truck. You don't notice the signs at first but then one day, if you're like me, you are on the way to your hair appointment and you feel this feeling, I still can't describe it. But, from that November day it never went away. It's all very paralyzing. I couldn't even brush my teeth being consumed with dreadful thoughts. All I could think about was death, how it's inevitable and unknown, how it can come at any moment, how it can take away the people I love and the life I love. Suddenly life started to feel pointless, like it was all for nothing. Then I started to tell myself that if I was going to die one day then why not just get it over with. It ricocheted into thoughts that were too big. why are we all here? what is all this for? what is our purpose? what is my purpose? why is this all created?
I was living mainly with my mom, I didn't want to go back to my apartment. I think I started to scare her. I kept telling her my thoughts because they needed to escape my mind. She wanted to help me but she didn't know how. So she called my aunt. She knew my aunt would understand what I was feeling because she had her own experiences with depression. My aunt told my mom that if I had another panic attack and another depressive bout then to take me to the hospital. During this time I was having about five panic attacks a day, so I knew it was only a matter of time before that hospital trip came. And I was right. My mom took me to the hospital
that night after dinner. I didn't eat it of course because I wasn't eating anything, my stomach was in too many knots to keep anything down.
When you walk into a hospital and say you have Suicidal Thoughts and you feel like you're going to die they take you back right away. I remember this night so clearly. I remember my nurse's face, my mom's face, the room I was in, the colors of the wall. Everyone was so nice to me. The nurse asked me a list of questions that felt like a mile long and I just kept crying. I hadn't slept in 4 days, I hadn't eaten anything, I hadn't felt any relief at all. It was like I was holding my breath that entire time. After all the questions were over they prescribed me a little something called Ativan. Because I was in the state that I was in, they didn't give it to me in pill form, it would have taken too long to kick in, instead they gave it to me through an IV, which takes up to 15 seconds to get into your system. For me the doctor hadn't even pulled the needle out and I instantly felt relief. I can't even describe the breath I took after that, my body and mind were so relaxed it literally felt like a dream. That night I got a full night's rest and my mom had finally watched me smile in what seemed like a lifetime.
Immediately after that I got assigned a psychiatrist and a therapist. My psychiatrist set me up on a general antidepressant, anti-anxiety, and OCD medication called Lexapro. (I'll get into my medication journey in another entry). My therapist was amazing, like all people, when I began I completely doubted his abilities. I felt like I could never get better. But I'm happy to say that I was wrong. I learned many things, not just from my therapist and my psychiatrist but I learned a lot on my own. That's the thing about any Mental Health journey, nobody can do it for you. You are alone during your journey but that doesn't mean you have to be lonely.
When I was in my depressive state I couldn't comprehend how anyone else could feel as bad as I was. But after I talked to my therapist and I started reaching out on my social media I realized that so many people share so many of the same feelings. Again, everyone's Journey and depression is different but feelings are all the same. For me what helped a lot was knowing that I had a whole Community out there.
I'm going to be honest, I cried a couple of times writing this. Reliving how a journey started is never easy. But as I'm coming to the end all I feel is proud. I'm proud of myself and I'm proud of my journey. I honestly can't see any other version of myself than this one. The version of Kennedy who is surviving depression, the version that accepts my depression for what it is but doesn’t let control my life anymore, and the version who knows that this journey is going to last a lifetime.
Maintaining a good mental is like a pie, if you split the pie into multiple pieces. Medication is one piece, therapy is one piece, working out is one piece, journaling is one piece, painting is one piece. But, without all the pieces the pie isn't whole. That's the same for maintaining a positive mind and a positive environment. Without nurturing each piece of the pie and actively working you're not going to move in the right direction. Now I want to be clear that everyone's pieces look different, this is just specific to me and what makes me happy. I tried many remedies and activities and I know the ones that make my pie. You have to do the same. Experiment with different things and see which ones stick.
I still haven't found the answers to why we're all here. what's all this for and why we go through all the things we go through. But I think it's because that's just what's meant to be. Not everything can have an exact answer and that in and of itself is the answer. My purpose right now is to live and to do things that make me happy, to love the people who love me, and to take care of myself and those around me. And I hope you do the same.
Xoxo,
Kennedy.
